< Don't Kiss Me Just Fuck Me R18 DVD available

Released: 2006
Director: Nick Green
Notes: Nickel-Ass Productions
Notes and Reviews

Running time: 111 mins.

It takes more than pointing a camera at the action to produce a good quality film. Unfortunately that's what it looks as if Nick Green has done for his first film. Shot entirely on location in his lounge, the film features five buxom stars including Chantelle and Donna Marie.

After a long title sequence, the first scene starts with a second set of titles; so it's a good five minutes into the film before Chantelle, in her black and red buckled PVC basque and red platform shoes, gets going. Pulling on her tits, a guy's head bobs up and down between her legs as he licks. Her knees in her chest, the guy pushes his prick into her pussy and pounds. Chantelle sits up to taste herself from his dick. Her big blue eyes gaze up as she swallows his length, her tongue just about reaching his balls. Face down on the sofa with her tits dangling over the edge, Chantelle gets her tonsils fucked. Strings of spit drip from his balls. Turning round, Chantelle licks the guy's arse then sits him down to ride. After a little reverse cowgirl she turns to face him, her big tits bouncing against his face. Rolling over, Chantelle is taken doggy in the arse. Ready for his cum, Chantelle kneels. The guy wanks so hard he flicks most of his spunk over the camera lens.

Another set of titles introduce the second scene where Anna France, in her black and red buckled PVC basque and platform shoes ... hold on a minute this is exactly the same as scene 1 just with blonde Anna replacing blonde Chantelle, though this time the guy is a better shot with his spunk.

It's hardly surprising to find the third scene starts with Starr in a black and red basque - perhaps there was a job lot going somewhere - but this scene is different. Instead of cock she makes a bee-line for Donna's cunt and starts to munch on her minge. As she sucks away, Steve Hooper bends down behind Starr and starts with his tongue on her arse. Pushing his cock into Starr's pussy, Steve leans back. Donna stands above him rubbing her fanny in his face. The girls swap, Steve lying down so Donna can ride him as he inhales Starr's pussy juices. When Starr gets to ride, the camera homes in on a large scab she has on her right buttock, not a flattering shot. The girls suck and swallow his prick, Donna ending on her stomach having her throat fucked. Spit spatters the camera. More unfortunate angles show heavy scarring under Starr's tits as Donna licks at her pussy lips. After Donna has been taken missionary both girls kneel to be banged up the bum. Steve cums over their faces.

The last girl in the film is DJ. In her studded collar and black PVC basque, she crouches over a double-ended dildo, slowly feeding it into her pussy. As she pops her fingers between her legs the fanny fluid really starts to flow. A purple vibe is next in her pussy. Flexing her muscles, DJ fires out the toy. This is followed by a set of love beads. Her pussy lips hold tight as she tugs out the balls. More play things appear. A black and blue vibrator goes into her pussy, then an even larger ridged violet dildo. DJ takes turns jabbing them into her hole till she comes.

This film is plagued by the shadows from the cameraman and the incessant flash of the stills guy. The girls may be professional, but the same cannot be said about the production or editing ... and why so many titles? The end credits roll for over four minutes and by the time the opening and inter-scene titles are taken into account there is over 10 minutes worth. Nick and the boys will have to try a lot harder if they make a second film.

Review by Dawn "Hot Totty" Birtle

Bayleaf's view (June 2006):

Just how hard is it to make a porn film? It's actually not that hard if you hire some good-looking experienced women and pair them with a few younger guys who can keep wood, then point a video camera in their direction. Which is exactly what (husband and wife?) team Nick and Delyth Green have done with this first release on their Nickel-Ass label. Biologically speaking, women reach their prime at around 30 and this film demonstrates this phenomenon in spades. Five incredibly sexy women demonstrate the sheer pleasure of a seriously hard fucking. Curiously the MILF nature of the film is not promoted at all.

In the first scene, blonde bombshell Chantelle Stevens, naked apart from a black pvc basque and extremely high red heels, gets all her holes seriously and noisily filled by Dick Priest, a slim young man with a large cock. While the stud says little, Chantelle never stops talking dirty unless her mouth is filled with cock (at the beginning) or spunk (at the end). Fine sex from a woman at the top of her game.

Despite being in the porn business for a good few years, mature blonde Ann France doesn't have a lot of really dirty, hard action available on DVD. This film changes that situation for ever. Wearing the same basque as Chantelle but her own black heels, Ann gets pretty much the same treatment given to Chantelle by Paul, another reasonably well-endowed young man. Ann gasps and groans as first her pussy then her arse is filled and finally her face is covered in cum thanks to a spectacular climax from the young stud.

Donna Marie and Starr pair up in the third scene to take on Steve Hooper. Dress code is the same as the previous scenes with black basques, enormous heels and bare fannies from the outset. By the end of the brief girl-girl warm up, Donna Marie's nipples are rock hard and the girls maintain intimate contact as Steve slips his cock into Starr from behind to start the proceedings. Deep and noisy cock sucking, deep and noisy pussy fucking and deep and noisy arse fucking for both women.

In the fourth and final scene, DJ appears on her own to give her pussy and arse an incredible workout with a selection of good-sized dildos and a string of beads 18 inches long! This fine action is tinged with disappointment that her pussy is not filled with rock hard cock, which must have been a disappointment for DJ too and a little surprising to make this the final scene.

In this film Nick has elected to put all his talent in front of the camera. Behind the camera there is something of a void. Each scene is introduced by Nick himself, with a thankfully brief interview which is the same in every case. "How long have you been in the business?" and "why do you want to work with Nickel-Ass?". While the answer to the former is straightforward enough, the girls struggle to come up with any reason that isn't the real one, i.e. "'cos you're paying me". Nick then leaps to his feet shouting "rock and roll" at the camera. Which brings me to the rock soundtrack. Now I'm a big fan of R&R having watched all the biggies from the 70's onwards but the incessant rock track here batters the ears so that relief (in every sense of the word) can only be achieved by turning the sound off and thereby losing Chantelle's gutter mouth. While one can just about forgive the single uninspiring 80's lounge location, with its artex walls and brown dralon sofa, it's a shame that more wasn't made of the garden, visible through the patio doors, and featured in the solo stills.

What is unforgivable, even for porn newbies, is the poor lighting and the intrusive stills photography. The direct lights frequently throw shadows of the cameraman over the subjects and obscure the action, while flashes from the stills camera should be edited out or the stills should be shot separately. Acid Rye, the editor, seems to have been enjoying himself too much with the special effects palette and the titling machine (do we need so many titles between each scene?) to pay enough attention to these irritating features.

Certainly much to praise in this film, but nothing that isn't available elsewhere; plain gonzo is a crowded market. Nickel-Ass Productions seem to want to be serious players in the business and future productions could be real winners, but only if the production team get more of the basics right.

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